In what marks a major break from the Trump administration, President Joe Biden is set to announce a new immigration reform policy tomorrow evening during his second prime time speech from the Oval Office. According to our sources within the White House, this policy decision has been undergoing a vigorous top-to-bottom review and has nothing to do with the influx of Central American immigrants, mostly unaccompanied children, who have been streaming across the borders. The details are still being finalized at this exact moment; the Biden administration is working directly with the Senate gatekeeper Joe Manchin to ensure Congressional buy-in.
The most significant part of this upcoming immigration reform is a decisive step that was taken, at the insistence of Dear Leader Biden, to abolish the use of cages to house minors and adults alike in campaign similar to abuses Uyghurs undergo in China (redacted by MSNBC minders given that Biden dismissed the plight of Uyghurs as Chinese cultural differences just last month). This is a victory not just for immigrants and human rights champions but for Americans as a whole; over the past four years, our country has suffered at the hands of Trump who flouted international norms and human decency alike by locking kids as young as three years old behind iron bars and barbed wires like rescue pups (no need to remember that it was Obama’s administration under the guidance of Jeh Johnson who initiated this barbarous practice).
In what Dear Leader Biden called “compassionate neo-liberalism”, going forward the United State’s immigration policies will be rooted in the principles of human rights and protecting the most vulnerable. Instead of locking kids up in cages, starting tomorrow all children will be housed in Personalized Protective Units (PPU) that Kamala Harris referred to as mini-Hampton Inns. The 5 feet by 5 feet PPUs come fully stocked with Reynold Wrap blankets, pillows made of recycled newspapers and all children will also be vaccinated with Astra Zeneca’s vaccines as a show of goodwill to our neighbors to the south after they endured the previous administration’s boorishness.
“This bold decision by Biden shows America’s commitment to fairness and enshrines the notion that our country is in fact a land of immigrants”, noted Senator Bernie Sanders. “The same way we fought for Medicare for All and a $15 an hour national minimum wage, we are dedicated to safeguarding the rights of every immigrant that comes to our country seeking opportunities.”
To curb the crush of immigrants pouring into our country through Texas, California, New Mexico and Arizona, Biden will send a delegation comprised of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar and Pramila Jayapal to help Mexico implement a “Green New Deal” that will help spurn innovation and drive the economy the way it could have done here if not for those dastardly Republicans (never mind that AOC abandoned the Green New Deal the way that Bernie Sanders betrayed his supporters in 2016 and 2020). The Squid will be responsible for recommending best practices and leading conversations at select locations throughout Mexico to kickstart the initiative and mitigate mass-migrations by ensuring opportunities in targeted hotspots. This same idea was rolled out by the Bush administration in 2005 in Iraq and worked brilliantly by reducing the number of refugees flowing into neighboring countries by 500,000 (by coincidence 500,000 Iraqis were murdered by Bush but there is no correlation the same way there is no link between people getting vaccinated and dying a few days later).
This development is proof positive that voting matters; instead of Trump treating children in a most dehumanizing way for perpetrating the crime of cashing the check written by Lady Liberty who carries a tablet that is etched with “give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”, Dear Leader Biden will recommit America to being great again (don’t tell anyone but I miss Donald compared to this president who looks like the Crypt Keeper). According to our sources at DHS, this policy announcement is a down payment for wider reforms to come that will ensure all Americans have access to their own PPUs in the future as part of Biden’s efforts to institute a national social distancing program meant to curb the new and deadly Congo variant—cue scary music (it’s only racism when Trump calls Covid-19 the “Wuhan virus” but it is perfectly acceptable to use the bigoted term “South African variant“).
Reporter: ‘Why does the president think attacks on Asian Americans are increasing?’
Jen Psaki: ‘The damaging rhetoric during the prior admin, calling COVID 'the Wuhan virus,' led to perceptions of the Asian American community that are inaccurate [and] unfair’ pic.twitter.com/sUchUPTqTI
— NowThis (@nowthisnews) March 17, 2021
Make no mistake about it, this is a big fucking deal as Biden always says. Despite ongoing efforts to derail his presidency and gridlock government, Dear Leader Biden is making inroads and changing a rotting culture that was the hallmark of Trump. If Biden keeps this up, and if he is able to keep evading a Putin asset stair that tried to take him out on Air Force One, he will no doubt be a shoe in for re-election (redacted because Kamala Harris is slated to take over for Creepy Joe on January 1st 2024). I can go to sleep comfortably tonight knowing that we finally have a president who cares about children (he cares about them so much that he can’t keep his hands off them and can’t get enough of smelling their hair). This is a major win for human rights and democracy; Biden's has fulfilled his promise to revive America's global image by giving every migrant child access to their own PPU and ending the heinous policy of putting #KidsInCages Click To Tweet
As always, watch this space for continued coverage and analysis of news emerging from the District of Caligula.
Post Script: I am really elated that the pesky indie journo Teodrose Fikremariam is being silenced, I mean devolumnized, by social media platform. Eleven days ago, Twitter gave him the boot by permanently suspending his account (even though he started a new account and gained close to 1500 followers in less than two weeks) and today Facebook did likewise by disabling his account that he had since 2007. Hooray for fee-speech!
Wow! 11 days ago, #Twitter permanently suspended my account for the crime of being an independent journalist. Today #Facebook followed suit & disabled my account for going against their Orwellian "community standards". Social media corps are colluding to censor free-speech. pic.twitter.com/lxwIBHQzDT
— Teodrose Fikremariam (@Teodrose_Fikre) March 22, 2021