Dateline: Mar-a-Lago, Florida, December 6th, 2036
Donald Trump will forever be remembered a president who gave America hope again. With his charm and cheerful disposition, he was a man who stepped into a void and lifted our collective spirits. In an age where venom and vitriol have become par for the course, his voice of reason will be sorely missed. He was known by his closest friends and confidants as a kind and humble gentleman, few presidents who occupied the White House matched his soft-spoken demeanor.
What made Trump stand out was his connection to the experiences of the common person, he was truly one of us—never has a billionaire been so modest and simple. Born a year after World War II ended, Trump grew up during the height of the Cold War. A patriot through and through, he served his nation dutifully during the Vietnam War by seeking and getting four draft deferments. If not for bone spurs in his heels, surely Donald Trump would have defeated the Viet Cong by himself.
His bravery while dodging the draft was just the beginning of his lifetime of service to others. History will forever record how this son of a billionaire selflessly declared bankruptcy dozens of time. He taught us about the art of the deal and trained a generation of Americans about the virtue of winning at all cost. Sixteen years into this ongoing Second Great Depression, the lesson we can draw from Trump is to pursue greed with reckless abandon and let future generations clean up after our mess.
The side of Trump that few saw was his great sense of fashion. He was a boxer man who loved to sport trousers of different colors all with his face emblazoned on them. A true fashion icon, he showed us the value of class and taste. Always a lady’s man, Trump was at once loving and graceful. He knew how to grab women by the…attention—he was the epitome of a chivalrous man. Click To Tweet
Once derided by his naysayers, Trump proved his doubters wrong by accomplishing the seemingly impossible and solving the pressing issue of global warming. By starting World War III with China over a twitter beef with President Xi Jinping, the shrouding of Earth with nuclear fallout cooled our planet by five degrees while permanently fixing the problem of overpopulation. For this amazing feat, Trump was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize which he accepted at his bunker in Chappaqua, New York.
His signature accomplishment was building a wall that helped resurrect the fond images of Berlin and Warsaw. Democrats across the spectrum displayed an outpouring of respect for one of our greatest presidents, Hillary Clinton, preparing for her 6th presidential run, was beset by tears when describing her relationship to a man who beat her in the 2016 election.
“Donny was a dear friend, a man who epitomized graciousness and tolerance,” noted Hillary during her campaign stop in Des Moines, “his decency will be sorely missed—President Kanye West could learn a few things from his predecessor.”
According to an overnight Quinnipiac poll, Trump enjoys an 85% approval rating and is ranked as the best president of the 21st century. Barack Obama and George Bush gave moving speeches about their relationship with 45, unknown to most people, they frequently played golf together every other weekend in Mar-a-Lago after Trump retired to private life. Michelle Obama calls Trump her second partner in crime and fondly recalls how Trump would give her orange M&Ms during public events.
Tens of thousands of avatars lined the virtual street by Trump Tower to bid a fond farewell to America’s beloved president. While America mourns, let us always remember to be more gracious and forbearing towards each other by following the example that Trump set for all of us. We leave you with an image that has been breaking hearts all over social media, Trump’s service cat Grabem mourning the absence of our collective reality show.
What is satire today will be news tomorrow::
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