Update 3/24/2021 5:25 PM New York Time
I just received word from my source at DIA that Russia’s blatant act of aggression was undertaken under the direct orders of Vladamir Putin and was personally coordinated by the KGB’s Nikita Khrushchev. Using the code word “Operation Aladdin“, the Russian interference plot involved using a carpet to take out Joe Biden. This is a developing situation, I will update this story as I get further information. Watch this farce.
This afternoon, in what can only be called a blatant act of aggression, Our Dear Leader Joe Biden was able to successfully and heroically evade a Russian plot to take down the savior of the free world. According to our sources at the CIA (that would be me), Vladimir Putin activated a dormant stair that Donald Trump had Rudy Giuliani install in Air Force One at the behest of Moscow’s orders. This was done as retribution for Dear Leader Biden rightly calling Putin a killer (don’t look at the dead bodies in Iraq, Syria, Libya and Flint); instead of interfering in our elections over the past five years, this time around they decided to target the President.
The fact that Russia can pull off this type of operation without detection and can target the most powerful man in the world is sending shockwaves throughout DC and Europe. If not for Dear Leader’s ability to athletically avoid the Russian stair with just a graceful misstep before he caught his footing, we could very well be talking about a repeat of 1963’s Grassy Knoll in Dallas. The FBI and the Selective Service are now sweeping every stair flight in the White House and Congress; in a show of force, 20,000 Reservists are being called up now to secure the stairs at the Lincoln Memorial, the Monument and the US Supreme Court.
Those of you who have been watching this space and enjoying my pencil twirls over the years know how serious I am about defending our democracy (unless Hillary is running, in which case democracy shemocracy). I’ve been reporting for years about a serious and concerted effort by Putin to wreck our governance and turn us against each other (never mind that I get paid over $7,000,000 annually to pour gasoline on the fires of grievance and antipathy that is shredding our union apart). All you should focus about is how much I love Blue America and that I am a patriot defending our nation from the Commie Reds (like my hero Joseph McCarthy). In fact, this morning on my way to fetch a cup o’ latte, I saw Putin rearing his head over the skies of the Hamptons!
If the Russians are able to pull off this level of sophistication in order to target Dear Leader Biden, then we as Americans must fundamentally change our way of life. We can’t trust any stairs! In fact, until we vet every stair throughout this country, we must avoid stairs at all cost. From now on, take only elevators or tie bedsheets together in order to climb the edifices of buildings à la Batman and Robin. Sure this is a big inconvenience, but if our Dear Leader can defeat a stair with band intentions, surely we can do our part.
Joe Biden stumbled 3 times walking up the stairs on Air Force One but nobody mentioned his ability to recover in rhythm the first two times & keep going, 3rd step got em but at his age in dress shoes that was great athleticism 🇺🇸
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) March 19, 2021
Most importantly, from now on anything that trips up Joe Biden and the Democrat party must be understood through the prism of Putin and Russian incoherence. Whether the trip is up the stairs or trip ups like promising their base an increased minimum wage, Medicare for All, student loan forgiveness and $2,000 in stimulus payouts only to deliver bupkis, any and all perceived shortcoming is not due to Democrat fecklessness but because of Putin intrusion. Anyone who insists on asking questions—especially those pesky independent journalists like Teodrose Fikremarim, Niko House and Charlie Peach who keep exposing our fraudulence—have to be dealt with like enemies of the state because they are Russian assets too! I pray for Dear Leader Joe Biden; with Putin and the Russians plotting to trip him up, our graceful president continues to win. #BidenThreeStep Click To Tweet
As always, you heard it in this space first, stay tuned and see what happens next.
“A lie told often enough becomes the truth.” ~ Vladimir Lenin
Obviously, this was a satire article, this is Teodrose Fikremariam, the actual author of this article. Once banned by Twitter, I am back to keep speaking truth to power. If you appreciate this write up and want to empower independent journalists like myself, below is the way to contribute to the cause.